MMA Backstage!

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In the final of my in depth case studies of Scottish MMA I bring you a breakdown of what goes on behind the scenes. I smash down the fourth wall and let everyone in to what fight day entails:

Before we get to fight time there’s the formalities to get out way:

– Weigh ins (considering about 90% of Scottish MMA population are heterosexual males it amazes me the interest in watching 2 guys strip down to look at each other can generate)
– Fighters medicals (you got a pulse your good to go)
– Rules meeting where some fighters are either late or plain don’t go which is fine since there is never anything new here yet always results in coaches asking trivial questions about foot stomps, elbows etc..(what no weapons allowed?)

Once were onto fight time the fun really begins and on every occasion there’s:

– A wide range of facepalm worthy warm ups consistently on display, my personal highlights include the never ending bodykick warm up (a bodykick used correctly can be very effective but if your entire warmup. and I’m presuming gameplan, involves non stop kicking to the body your not going to win), the bicep pump warmup (everyone loves the way your bicep looks after a heavy curl set sure, but is it the smartest idea heading into a fight to use up all the endurance in your arms?) and, finally, the no warm up routine (logic and brains aside I still wouldn’t mess with no warm up man on account of the fuck this dude clearly does not give).

– One professional fighter per show will always bring there girlfriend/wife/escort for the night backstage, said woman will always be wearing nice skimpy dress and each and every time I will have rigorous imaginary sex with her throughout the evening! Thank you guy.

– John Lamb, Scotland’s, no actually, Britain’s number one MC, will be telling whomever he happens to be speaking to at that moment that their hometown is also his hometown.

– An amateur fighter is being shown a technique clearly for the very first time backstage minutes before fighting.

– One team of fighters will be so into team spirit/not preparing they will share shorts.

– When a particularly poor looking fighter is up (maybe exhibiting the last 2 points) the backstage area will get a lot quieter as people flock to watch his fight like drivers rubbernecking a car crash. Said fighter always loses by first round sub.

– A fighter will be being consoled on being robbed by the judges, with how often this happens you would think there are bad decisions in MMA or something! Another common line you gotta try not laugh loudly at if you overhear it is when a guy gets subbed and his corner tell him something along the lines of “He was scared to stand with you”.

– A professional fighter on a night off will be drunk and disorderly backstage with no one willing or able to dislodge him from the area.

– The “away” changing room will always feature less perks such as food water etc, less heat and less winners.

– Someone backstage will be asked to take a last minute fight whether they are a fighter or not, fee negotiable, rules negotiable and hell even the opponent is negotiable.

– A guy with a bucket and towel can always just walk in free of charge (tip for any freeloaders out there).

Once again I’m about done any additions to the list or retarded comments about the fact my made up satirical list is untrue are more than welcome. Thank you for reading.

Kev Devine

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